FAQ's
We get asked the same questions quite a lot so have decided to try and nip it off by answering them before they're asked again.
Please check the list before dropping us a line...
1. Where's Little Kunt?
He's locked in the shed with no trousers or pants on waiting for me to come home.
2. Is that your real hair?
Yes, me and Little Kunt both get our hair cut in 'The Boys Room' in Wickford.
They do a range of traditional and modern styles and for the more demanding customer there's a private room out the back where they will wank you off with a finger up your arse.
http://www.touchsouthend.com/business/list/bid/5202867
3. What are you doing with that old car tyre?
I'm making a rimming chair.
4. Where was your first wank?
My first wank was over Jack Meadows, it's a field in Pitsea, not the DCI from the Bill.
5. Can I touch your cock?
Yes, as long as I get a photo for the 'Uncle Kunt' page:-)
6. Where did you get that Burberry Boiler suit from?
My old man, Paul Collins, Essex's premier Phil Collins tribute act, had it made for me when he was touring Thailand. He took my old boiler suit from Calor Gas for them to take a pattern off. Unbeknownst to him 'Calor' in Thai means 'I have just passed...' so it led to much hilarity.
7. Is your mum really Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street?
Yes, we get our prodigious talent from her and me old man.
If we were going to lie about it, we'd have chosen a more rootable milf like Helen Mirren or Susan Kennedy off Neighbours.
8. Can I have me photo taken with you?
Yes of course but for fuck's sake learn how to use the camera on your phone first so I'm not stood here like a fucking helmet for ten minutes!
9. Are you going to come and play in (enter name of your town here)?
Unfortunately when we call up promoters and say we're called 'Kunt and the Gang' they never seem that keen to book us. Funny that.
If you want us to play in your town the best thing you can do is nag the promoter of your local pub/ small band venue to check out our myspace, at which point he'll be able to see our immense talent for himself and will book us up and probably arrange for there to be naked girls in our dressing room who will kiss me on the nib.
10. What sex act were you performing whilst driving through Purfleet?
Masturbation.
